


Iza

by Nyanzaya



Category: Durarara!!, Original Work
Genre: Alternate Universe, I mean that's simplifying wtf am i saying about my boy, I want to give him all the love in the world, Implied Violence, Iza had a not-so-good-childhood, Other, and tsundere, and yet; I give him more angst smh, implied trauma, its okay tho; his own canon he's fine, its okay tho; in his own canon he gets better, the difference between Izaya and Iza, when neko just wants love and affection but too hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2020-07-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:28:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25325416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyanzaya/pseuds/Nyanzaya
Summary: Original post: https://nyanzaya.tumblr.com/post/613614262373548032/iza
Kudos: 2





	Iza

**Author's Note:**

> Original post: https://nyanzaya.tumblr.com/post/613614262373548032/iza

Iza was looking down at the people. The sun was setting in beautiful shades of reds, yellows, purples, oranges but Iza would never be able to fully enjoy a sunset or a sunrise. He would always be missing out on something. All he saw were shades of grey, speckled with faded yellow.

Oddly, he felt it was symbolic. Iza knew how a sunset appeared but the thought of how much he missed simply because he was colorblind was heartbreaking. He would never get to experience the same things as the humans below him. The same humans that went on about their evening without any fear or worry.

He was jealous of them.  
He was afraid of them.  
He was lustful of them.

He hated them.

He could never love them how he was supposed to.  
He could never allow them to see him weak.  
He could never trust them.

Yet, his heart yearned for them.

This weak and heavy heart screamed at him to be with them.

_I want to be like them. I want to be loved. I want to have everything they have. I want to be accepted. I want to feel connected to someone. I want to be human. I want to feel real. I want to be in love. I want a family. I want- I want- I want._

It was true, Iza would never be a human. In the core of his very being he was an animal that had been domesticated and tamed since birth.

He realized from a young age that those gazes of love were gazes of condescending shame.

He was a bad cat. Perhaps that was why he was punished. Lashed, beat and perverted.  
He was a trophy. Praised for a job well done after being taken by force.  
He was a pet. He was supposed to listen to orders.

Not any longer.

Now that he was free, a taste for blood on his senses, he could do what he wanted. He could finally release the rage he felt onto them. Innocent people.

He was innocent once before. Until it was stripped and taught to please.

His heart still yearned for people.

_Please help me. Please see who I really am. Please don’t leave me. Please don’t hate me. Please love me. Please don’t abandon me. Please hold me when I’m scared. Please tell me this is real. Please remind me I’m not there anymore. Please- please please._

Iza pressed his hand against the window. He shouldn’t feel this way, but he knew what he wanted. He knew he was closed off, aloof and hard to reach but it was for a reason. Most people wouldn’t understand.

It was best to keep his emotions buried. Kill them one by one. Yet, despite wanting to kill each one he couldn’t bring himself to. As deeply as they had cut his chest, stabbed his heart and inflicted great pain, he kept them. There was a desire to keep them, hoping that there would be someone out there who would get it and know what he was about.

Iza pressed his face against the cold glass. He felt wounded. Alone.

There were friends he could go to, but how could he bother them with his personal problems? This was his problem. He didn’t want to burden anyone.

People were the monsters. He was perfectly fine. Perfectly content.

In delusion.

He was the monster.

He knew it was not his true nature to hurt people, but a part of him loved it. A part of him wanted to see the world fall to ashes. A part of him wanted to turn the world upside down.

It felt as if there were two halves that competed within him. It tore him apart and would break his heart.

He was full of contradictions and he knew it. How hard was it to understand him? Then again, Iza didn’t understand himself at all.

He wanted to feel whole again. He felt some part of his heart was like a double bed, needing someone else to reflect who he was to show him and help him understand himself.

Iza knew his type of love was different, perhaps hard to tell if he actually did love his other half. He thought it was obvious, how he would look at them with starry-eyes. How he would give a genuine smile and laugh at their stupid jokes. How he would do anything they asked of him even if it was irrational. How his ears would lean forward, quiver, the inside turn a light shade of pink. How his tail would sway as if mesmerized, wrap around the arm or leg of the other out of admiration or to simply hug them back. How he would ask questions even if he knew the answers wanting to clarify or know if they meant something else. How he would daydream about them and how he would stay up at night wondering about them.

It was not hard to see how much he would love someone.

Was he too hard to understand? He didn’t know. Perhaps, he was too subtle.

That was fine. Only the few who noticed would be rewarded.

_I wish people would notice._

There were a few who noticed, Iza understood that but that was after they had been around him long enough to understand, to learn his story.

Iza’s hand turned into a fist against the glass.

He doesn’t need anyone to understand, feel pity for him or treat him differently. He could accept and love anyone unconditionally because there was no one worse than him. He would have to remind himself, time and time again that he shouldn’t be so quick to judge. Even that reminder would fail if he felt disrespected, offended. He would close up, return the actions and of course it was done out of spite, pettiness.

He never knew why he did that. Perhaps because he couldn’t handle the hurt feelings himself and wanted to make them share the pain he felt.

The sun was gone now.

He shouldn’t linger against the window.

Iza was simply going to work through the night and separate his emotions to continue the ruthless work.


End file.
